Waiting for the Soul-Crushing Guilt to Set In

Ahh, the holidays. A black hole in which I can honestly say I have no clue what I've done for the past 2 weeks of my life. They're fabulous, aren't they? And now, I am back to January, back to no major holidays, family events, parties, etc., which of course also means back to work!

Which of course means back to the problem I've been facing since I returned to work on Nov. 30th from my maternity leave: Why isn't this harder?

Over break, I read some Facebook status updates and posts from new Moms talking about tearfully dropping their children off and barely being able to make it through a workday without driving their childcare providers bonkers with calls, and my heart aches for them. Sympathy from veteran Moms who have been through this poured in, notes on how it WILL get easier, or how to deal with the intense feelings that accompany the inevitable day that Mom heads back into the workforce. And yet, though I sympathize, I don't commiserate. Getting back to work has been, for me, relatively uneventful.

All of this, in turn, leaves me feeling guilty. Here's my laundry list of items for which I should probably be doing penance:

- I rarely call my sitter during the day, and when I do, sometimes it's just to ask if she'd feed the cat or if she knows how to turn on the new TV

- I haven't yet actually cried when leaving the house for a workday

- Sometimes I go for long stretches at work without wondering what Maya's doing or if she's ok. I trust babysitter Jen, and assume she's always ok if I'm not getting a call!

- And while I'm confessing things, I haven't seen American Idol since the first season, I don't like Chipolte, and I let Maya take a lick of Saag Paneer at the Indian buffet last weekend.


I spent some time thinking about why the transition back to work has been a lot easier than I anticipated, and I did come up with some good rationalizations to assuage my guilt for the moment:

1. I didn't return to work until Maya was 16 weeks old. I remember thinking at 10 weeks that it was a point at which many women would have to be back and thinking about how NOT READY I was. It surprised me how un-ready I was at that point. Somewhere around 14 weeks, I decided I was ready.

2. I don't have to drop a kid off at a daycare center, watch her cry, etc. I just leave the house, knowing that the babysitter will have access to all of Maya's usual stuff, that she won't be around any germy kids, etc. Of course, I also have to worry that she isn't getting socialized, and I DO plan on sending her to a daycare facility once she's older, flu season is over, she can appreciate other kids, etc.

3. I have a pretty good gig. Right now, I'm only in the office on Mondays and Fridays (working at home Tues.-Thurs., though I plan to return to the office on Wednesdays by the end of this quarter), and my husband is home with Maya for 1/2 of the day on Friday. Knowing I'll be in the same building with her on Tuesday makes it easier for me to leave her on Monday, I'm sure. And, of course, it's not like I'm putting o-rings on widgets in a manufacturing facility. I'm doing something that I like.

4. Due to a combination said good gig and the holidays, I've only been back in the office a few times so far, thus leaving plenty of time for me to decide that it's not where I want to be.

Despite my rationalizations, I keep waiting for the ax to fall. When will the guilt set in? My entire basis for believing that the guilt WILL set in is a 30Rock episode in which Tracy decides to become Catholic, since Catholics can commit whatever sins they want provided they confess them. Alec Baldwin teaches him that being Catholic isn't all fun and games, especially once the soul-crushing guilt sets in.

And is it possible to feel guilty for not feeling guilty? I think that's where I am now. I'm fairly open about my reasons and motivations for working. I'm not going to try to convince people that I NEED to be working for income, lest we end up on the streets. Yes, I know that it's possible to get by on less. I know that I could sell my house in the city tomorrow for one that's twice the size and half the cost up in the suburbs or the exurbs. I know that I could stop shopping at Whole Foods and stock up on Kraft and Campbell's at Sam's Club. Or that we could stop eating out altogether (though honestly, we don't do it THAT often). Or take long weekends close to home instead of longer vacations in tropical climates or different cultures. Make no mistake, I'm not trying to argue that we CAN'T make it on one income. I'm just saying that I don't want to. Because all of those little lifestyle factors that my job finances are part of the life that I want for Maya. Because I enjoy my work and spending some time outside of the house during the day, and seeing my daughter's face light up the moment I walk in the door. Because (and this is the hardest to admit) I don't know any stay-at-home Moms and would feel weird in social situations when everyone is talking about their jobs and I didn't have anything to say.

At least I know that if (when?) the soul-crushing guilt DOES set in, there's a great support network of Moms I admire and trust out there dealing with the same thing. Here's to all of you who are making it work each day. Reading about how you deal with matters makes me believe that if and when the guilt does set it, I'll be able to overcome it.